Maybe they should have used this on the “Not my job” segment, since Alex Rodriguez might be out of one soon.
From last week’s Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me‘s “who’s Carl this time?” This was the last of the three quotes.
CARL KASELL: I want to be a role model.
PETER SAGAL: That was New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez, who may be facing a lifetime ban from baseball due to what?
Contestant David SCHWARTZ: Taking steroids.
SAGAL: Yes, indeed, performance-enhancing drugs.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Major League Baseball has threatened Alex Rodriguez with a lifetime suspension from the game partly because he took performance-enhancing drugs, partly because he lied about it and partly because, man, what a putz.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: This is the most unsurprising revelation about an athlete ever. It’s like remember say it ain’t so, Joe, you know, the little kid, the disbelieving kid on the courthouse steps, A-Rod’s going to come outside to meet an adorable little boy, and the kid’s going to look up and say: Figures, you ass.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
BRIAN BABYLON: Now what was this he was doing, a cream, or was it injections? I mean, what are these guys doing now?
SAGAL: Oh, he was doing everything.
BABYLON: A-Rod?
SAGAL: Yeah, A-Rod. Well, apparently, he was both implicated in the Biogenesis scandal, this was this longevity center in Florida that was giving out all this stuff to athletes.
BABYLON: And that has nothing to do with “Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan.” That’s just Genesis Project.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: No, yeah, no, don’t get confused.
BABYLON: OK my bad, all right.
SAGAL: That’s OK. What’s amazing is how much the other players seem to hate him. Even other Yankees hate him. Lance Armstrong just threw away his A-Rod jersey.
(APPLAUSE)
BABYLON: Can I ask you a kind of off – kind of a crazy question?
SAGAL: Go ahead.
BABYLON: Do you think if A-Rod looked like Steve Buscemi, people would give him a hard time?
(LAUGHTER)
BABYLON: I mean…
SAGAL: Are you saying people are just jealous of his good looks?
BABYLON: This is theoretical. I think a little bit.
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Are you saying the same body and Buscemi’s head?
(LAUGHTER)
BABYLON: No, if it – yeah, like…
GOLDTHWAIT: Because I’m trying to imagine this.
BABYLON: Yeah, muscles, athletic prowess but just that mug. Do you think people would have such distaste for A-Rod?
SAGAL: You’re telling me we hate him because he’s beautiful?
BABYLON: I’m not saying anything. This is a hypothetical theory.
SAGAL: Well, Derek Jeter is a pretty good looking fellow, plays on the same team, everybody loves him.
BABYLON: He’s no A-Rod.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Oh really?
BABYLON: That’s what polls say. I don’t know, I just read the paper, man.
(LAUGHTER)
KASELL: Brian has a type.
(LAUGHTER)
BABYLON: But didn’t he, like, not fail a drug test? How do you do that? How do you drugs and not get caught?
SAGAL: Well, that’s what Lance Armstrong did. It’s possible. It can be done, and apparently he did it.
BABYLON: Not but seriously, how do you do it?
(LAUGHTER)
BABYLON: I know there’s someone in this room who has a job interview to go to that needs to know that.
GOLDTHWAIT: No seriously, though.
ROBERTS: No, but…
GOLDTHWAIT: Myself and Asheville wants to know.
WWDTM wrapped up the show with the panel’s predictions for the next week:
PETER SAGAL, HOST: Now, panel, what will A-Rod do next? Brian Babylon.
BRIAN BABYLON: A-Rod will have a new reality show about his new chain of gyms called Aroids, where the gym equipment makes you feel younger than you really are.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Roxanne Roberts.
ROXANNE ROBERTS: In an effort to raise the moral bar of the campaign, A-Rod will announce he’s running for mayor of New York.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And Bobcat Goldthwait.
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Surprising, he’s going to be the new judge on “American Idol.”
(LAUGHTER)
CARL KASELL: Well, if A-Rod does any of that, panel, we’ll ask you about it on WAIT WAIT…DON’T TELL ME!
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